Man, this thing is running really late again this year. I'm blaming all the speed that Bob Downey Jr. gave me. You get the biggest headache when you come down off that stuff.
Oh and my campaign for Oscar attention for Clare Danes is now officially over this year. It seems the Academy just won't listen to reason and sitting outside its offices with 1,000 extra copies each of Polish Wedding and Terminator 3 wasn't convincing anyone of her versatility. Well, fine! I have turned my marketing talents to a more deserving subject this year as I campaign for the grossly overlooked Jennifer Connelly (who did win an Oscar for a Beautiful Mind back in 2001). Jen, I'm your new publicist. Bob said it was okay.
Bob has suggested I up the meth, you know, to help me through the rough spots and maintain my concentration.
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Leonardo DiCaprio in Blood Diamond. Okay, okay, I'm just upset that Ronnie Mervis had to run ads telling us all that his diamonds are A-OK. I mean, Mervis Diamonds has been serving our diamonds needs for generations. Where else can you cut out the middleman and get diamonds directly from the Mervis mines in South Africa? Nowhere! This commentary brought to you by the friendly folks at Mervis.
Ryan Gosling in Half Nelson. Bob suggested that I watch this one closely to learn a thing or two about how he scores coke. Instead, I picked up Full Nelson, a Generation X talk show where I learned lots of things about myself, which really made me feel like I needed the drugs. By the time I got around to watching Gosling, I not only knew how he felt, but pretty much thought he nailed it.
Peter O'Toole in Venus. I swear I watched that Bananarama video over and over for hours on end without seeing Peter O'Toole anywhere in it.
Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happyness. When you are known as the Fresh Prince, I suppose you have the prerogative to pursue some happyness. I also suppose life and liberty are probably too good for you and probably should be revoked with some degree of prejudice.
Forest Whitaker in The Last King of Scotland. Huh, I looked up Scotland on the World Wide Interweb and it turns out that it's nowhere near Africa. So I guess that explains why Idi Amin ran Uganda so poorly. He thought he was kicking the snot out of Scots! Well, my ancestors would never have stood for it. Well, they were Irish so they probably would have stood for some Scots getting strung up. At any rate, we all know that John Dewar was the only king of Scotland that really mattered.
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Alan Arkin in Little Miss Sunshine. This is a true story. Years ago, I randomly rented Gattaca and So I Married An Axe Murderer in the same night. (Yes, my tastes have since evolved, thank you.) In both movies, Alan Arkin was the head of the police unit investigating the crimes! Quel coincidence!
Jackie Earle Haley in Little Children. That anyone would go a little psycho after a string of Bad News Bears films 30 years ago is completely understandable. Scary stuff. Now, Maniac Cop 3 was d**n good and completely overlooked by the Academy. This, then, is just one of those political feel-good nominations.
Djimon Hounsou in Blood Diamond. Should this guy ever get nominated again for his ability to stare wide-eyed or wail continuously, I swear I am going to march straight to The White House and suggest that we have on our hands a new method of torture that circumvents the Geneva Conventions.
Eddie Murphy in Dreamgirls. Argh, this kills me. Norbit is in theaters right now, people. Norbit! And this is what we are supposed to be thinking of as Eddie sweeps into the Awards on the coattails of Dreamgirls glory? Unfathomable. And a little creepy. .
Mark Wahlberg in The Departed. It's fitting that the only character that doesn't become departed in this flick gets the nomination. I suppose the last man standing really does win. But I do have to say that Marky Mark has come a long long way and that he's usually pretty enjoyable in most films that he does these days. It's a shame that Murphy is going to dance all over this one.
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Penelope Cruz in Volver. After screening this flick, I can only assume Lady Cruz's breasts are the actual intended recipient of this award. As they won't win, I can only presume the academy wanted the theater to look a little prettier and more Spanish than usual for the awards ceremony.
Judi Dench in Notes on a Scandal. Patrick Marber, who wrote this role, also wrote Closer. Both flicks are about someone who wants to put their naughty little fingerprints all over someone else. Dame Dench, however, is just plain Creepy (with a capital C). She had to branch out from being Matronly or Stern or even Whimsical to justify this one big never-ending nomination that she now eternally receives.
Helen Mirren in The Queen. I decided to track down the line of Dame Mirren's performances as royals and I started with Caligola, where she is like empress of Rome or something. Bob dropped by in my second day of watching it and agreed that she has the royalty thing down pat. Plus the media have crowned her with the award already, and as working press, I know the media is always right.
Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada. Meryl? You again? Oh, yes, hullo. It's so nice to see you too. We didn't really have the time to turn down your room or anything since you were last here. Why don't you just move in? The Kodak may seem big and breezy but it becomes a little cozy after a while. We're ready to keep you around until you finally win again for Momma Mia! in a few years.
Kate Winslet in Little Children. Kate is very interesting and I do think she's a talented and pretty lady. Also Little Children may have been my favorite film of 2006! That's a pretty compelling combination. But Little Children also made me realize that Kate's feet are not exactly terribly attractive. Apologies, but that is a support-killing flaw.
Oh, look, I've just received word from the Academy that we are adding a sixth nominee this year and it's Jennifer Connelly for Blood Diamond! Wow, how great would that be? Plus she is sooooo much more pleasing than Kate Winslet. Those eyes! That hair! Much cuter feet. (Those 5,000 write in ballots that I spent the month of December mailing in hopefully made it there on time.)
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Adriana Barraza in Babel. Great Jimeny Cricket! You have got to be kidding me? That this overblown piece of contrite tripe garnered a best picture and a best director nomination isn't enough, but we waste not one but two supporting actress noms on this nonsense! Oh, and my maid cleans the house and never once lost my kids in the desert. So there! Where's her nomination?
Cate Blanchett in Notes on a Scandal. Hey, I just want to point out that Cate's character in this movie pines for the days when she could chill and listen to Siouxsie and the Banshees! She even shares her copy of Kaleidoscope with her teenaged lover, who probably didn't know of anything better than Babyshambles for crying out loud. Where's the award for best taste in music and eye make-up? Really now?
Abigail Breslin in Little Miss Sunshine. I find this little girl to be creepy. C-R-EE-P-Y. Why is there so much in the way of nominations this year that are so creepy? And what does this say about society? Is it us? Do we view our own creepiness on the silver screen? I'm beginning to fear that Greg Kinnear will play me in the story of my life now. See? Creepy.
Jennifer Hudson in Dreamgirls. Sing it loud and sing it proud. Hollywood is all agog over musical adaptations these days, and the success story of the big voice who never won American Idol is going to be too much for anyone Academy-side to pass up.
Rinko Kikuchi in Babel. Man, little Japanese girls are messed up. Someone get Oprah over there to build a school right away.
Omigosh, I just have been informed by a secret source at the Academy that Jennifer Connelly also should grab the award for supporting actress for Little Children. Isn't that just great news??? What? You don't believe me? You have a cease and desist order from the Academy of Motion Pictures? Well, next year, then. You'll see.
Achievement in directing
Babel with Alejandro Gonzales Inarritu. I went into this film expecting to absolutely hate Babel. I didn't absolutely hate it, but I did find it absolutely boring. And he minimized Brad Pitt's mugging by putting him in the movie for all of 10 minutes (or so it seemed). Is that an accomplishment? Maybe, but it doesn't deserve an award.
The Departed with Martin Scorsese. This is the moment where we right sooo many wrongs. After being robbed from victory with GoodFellas all those years ago, Oscar justice will be served. We've nothing more to say.
Letters from Iwo Jima with Clint Eastwood. Okay, Clint, we rushed this film out the door so that you could actually get a nomination this year because, let's face it, Flags of Our Fathers was really boring and awful. PLUS YOU CAST RYAN PHILLIPPE AS YOUR LEAD ACTOR!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? COULDN'T YOU FIND SOMEONE EVEN SLIGHTLY MORE COMPELLING LIKE--OH, I DON'T KNOW--PAULY SHORE OR SOMETHING? Ahem. Thanks for letting me get that out of my system.
The Queen with Stephen Frears. So a trend in high-profile movies last year was to use footage of a recent historical figure in a movie adaptation touching on that person's life instead of hiring an actor or some other recreation. So Diana gets her turn here in The Queen and RFK got his turn in Bobby. I'm using this strategy in my own long overdue examination of Spiro Agnew. You will never look at the man the same way again.
United 93 with Paul Greengrass. You have to respect this work. It was smart, focused and vivid. Greengrass should have gotten the nod if Scorsese weren't up this year. Just rent this film if you haven't caught it yet.
Best motion picture of the year
Babel. Babble, more like. Is this anything other than noise? And what the heck is up with the Japanese people? Did they run out of their own films to make last year? And does everyone go to Africa because Brad Pitt wouldn't leave until he adopted more children? And if he does adopt them, does he really leave them with his maid to watch? I think there's a tabloid investigation brewing here.
The Departed. By all rights, the picture that should win the award. Is it that great? No. Is it that much better than everything else in this category? Yes. Plus it's all about Irish! Come on, you know you love it. Just take mine and Downey's words for it. But Nicholson quoting Joyce? Geez louise, someone get that man off the screen.
Letters from Iwo Jima. Ken Watanabe is really compelling and sympathetic in his performance. His unfortunate character has to wage a war he would rather not wage with ill-equipped troops that would rather kill themselves right now with a grenade to the head than muster on the other side of the mountain and do something sensible. That's a tough lot.
Little Miss Sunshine. I can't shake this concept of "the little picture that could." That image, combined with the upset win of Crash last year, leaves me suspicious that the Academy has decided to award the ensemble effort of those passengers in the VW van and also recognize some independent spirit in the selection of Sunshine.
The Queen. There's something difficult about trying to elicit sympathy from an audience that doesn't get it. As Americans, we don't get what the big deal is about The Queen. Oh, and Prince Philip pregnant doges a lot. Dammit, man, you live in a palace. Stop pregnant doging.
